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Although grief is a common experience shared by anyone who has ever suffered the loss of a loved one, in the United States we think and talk about death very little. While other cultures have rituals and traditions to guide them, in our culture most of us don't learn about grieving or about how to deal with grief; about the right things to do, or about what to expect. The thought of grief is so painful that some people try to find ways to avoid it, to go around it, or to numb it with medication and alcohol, rather than experience it. This approach won't work and only prolongs the grief process. The best thing to do is to work through grief and express feelings openly. Grief is intensely personal, and everyone does it differently. Grief can be very different after a sudden, unanticipated death than it is when death is slow and there is opportunity for preparation and even for grieving prior to the actual moment of death. In some cultures, grief is proscribed with traditions that decline in intensity over time. These traditions can be comforting, however, there is no one right way to grieve. Grief may prompt some people to withdraw from live and push others to stay too busy to feel. While we each express our grief in different ways, most people experience peaks and valleys in their grief and share common feelings and reactions including: Numbness - in the first hours or days following the death of a loved one, most people feel simply shocked or stunned, as though they can't believe death has actually occurred. They may feel like this even if the death has been expected. For many people, the funeral or memorial service is an occasion when the reality of the death is truly felt. While it may be distressing or painful to attend the funeral, this ritual way of saying goodbye can also prove helpful. Yearning - For many, there is a feeling of wanting somehow to find the person who has died…even though rationally the grieving person knows this is impossible. The yearning, and agitation can make it hard to relax or to concentrate and it may make sleep difficult. Dreams may be extremely disturbing. Some people feel that they can "see" their loved one everywhere they go-anywhere they spent time together. Anger - Anger is a common feeling - anger toward the doctors and nurses who didn't prevent the death, anger toward God, anger even toward the person who has left them grieving. There may be anger because of all the responsibilities that are suddenly assumed. Guilt - People find themselves thinking of all the things they wished they had done or said. The grieving person may replay what they could have been done differently that might have prevented the death. Guilt can also arise if a sense of relief is felt when someone has died after a painful, long, or distressing illness. This feeling of relief is natural, understandable, and very common. Emptiness, Sadness, Depression, Withdrawal - feelings as though your life has fallen apart, difficulty concentrating and remembering are common. Many tasks will be done automatically. Simple decisions may seem overwhelming. There is often an inability to maintain an interest in those relationships and activities that the grieving person formerly enjoyed. Anxiety - fear of the
unknown, of the loss of emotional security, and of the multiple changes
that are necessary are common. In the death of a spouse, the identify
adjustment from a couple to an individual may be difficult. There may
be feelings of rootlessness in the emotional transition from "we"
to "I".
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