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How to Help Someone Who's Suffered a Loss

There is so much to do after a death that ordinary, practical help is needed first, followed by emotional support not only immediately after the death but also over time. You can do one or many things to be helpful to a grieving friend or family member:

Immediate, Practical Support

• Make phone calls and answer the telephone, keeping a record of messages.
• Make the house presentable and help to clean if necessary
• Keep track of food and other gifts for thank you notes. Note which dishes belong to which person for later return.
• Help with children by talking to them about their feelings, taking them to the park, school, or day care, by playing quiet games, or by helping with baths and bedtime rituals.
• Run errands. Ask for a list or help prepare one.
• Pick up out of town friends and relatives. Offer to make trips to the airport. Help find convenient and affordable lodging or make arrangements with neighbors and friends to offer spare bedrooms.
• Shovel the walk or mow the lawn.
• Do grocery shopping.
• Help your friend plan the funeral, write an obituary, or other arrangements.

Emotional Support

• Visits over a longer period of time are more important than many visits during the first week when other friends and relatives are still available. With the departure of out-of-town relatives, the bereaved may feel isolated. NOW is the time to start your visits.
• Be a good listener. Encourage your friend to talk and express feelings. Part of the process of resolving grief is going over the same ground over and over.
• If you don't know what to say, or don't even know whether to talk about the death or not, say so. This gives the bereaved person a chance to tell you what he or she wants.
• Help your friend organize their day. Help organize urgent tasks and those that can wait until a later time. Develop and post a list that can be checked off as tasks are completed.
• Help with thank you notes. While the grieving person will want to write some personal notes, many can be signed on behalf of your friend.
• Help meet children's needs physically and emotionally.
• Share memories. Bereaved people love to hear stories about their loved ones.
• Watch for depression. If you feel concerned, suggest your friend seek professional help.
• Identify local resources such as support groups, books, or therapists who specialize in grief.

Avoid Platitudes
People worry that they will say the wrong thing. Helen Fitzgerald, Training Director for the American Hospice Foundation recommends avoiding:

I know how you feel - You can never know how another person feels. You could instead ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.

It's part of God's plan - This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan!"

Look at what you have to be thankful for - They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now, they are not important.

Call if you need anything - They aren't going to call. It is much better to offer something concrete such as "I have two free hours and I want to come over and mow your lawn or vacuum your house."

He's in a better place now - The grieving person may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless you're asked.

This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life - Sometimes the grieving person is resistant to the phrase "getting on with" because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. Moving on is also easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.

Statements that begin with You should or You will - These statements are too directive. Instead, begin your comments with "Have you thought about…" or "You might…"

Making decisions for your friend - Help your friend make decisions by exploring the pros and cons of what or what not to do. Don't make decisions and don't talk him or her into making a decision.

Discouraging expressions of grief - It is best to encourage your friend to express grief. If you friend begins to cry, don't change the subject, rather give a hug, make a pot of coffee, or find a tissue.

Promoting your own values and beliefs - Listen to your friend talk about his or her values and beliefs. It's ok to share yours as long as you're not trying to convince your friend that your way is better.

Encouraging dependence - The grieving person may tend to lean on you too much. It is better to gently encourage independence with your support.

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