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Common Reactions and Feelings Children Have
and How You Can Help

Guilt
"If only I had…" or "I should have…."

• Allow the child to talk about his or her feelings
• Assure child a person cannot wish someone dead

Relief
Relief after a long illness in which the person suffered. This relief may cause guilt.

• Assure child that this is okay.
• Tell child if you feel the same way.

Emotional Explosiveness
Anger at the person, God, self, doctors, hate, terror

• Provide socially acceptable ideas for the child to release his or her anger
• Let the child express self and get emotions out safely
• If emotions are repressed and turned inward, depression may result

Acting Out Behavior
Temper tantrums, fighting, and school grades drop

• Don't give up on discipline
• Be loving, but firm
• Make specific limits

Panic, disorganization
Frightened, cannot eat, sleep, or concentrate

• Assure child that this is normal
• Give the child time
• Hug and hold the child
• Communicate issues with the school staff

Regression
Wants to sleep with parent, seeks constant attention, baby talk

• Do not encourage or condone regressive behavior
• Give support and show you care
• Acknowledge feelings but set boundaries

Physiological Reactions
No energy, stomach or headaches, identifies with the illness of the person who died

• Consult with a doctor to rule out illness
• Assure the child that you care
• Encourage the child to talk and let his or her feelings out.

In her book Breaking the Silence, Linda Goldman asserts that children need to:

• Acknowledge a parent or sibling who died by using his or her name or by sharing a memory.
• They need to tell their story over and over again at home and at school
• They need to use tools such as drawing, writing, role-playing and re-enactment to safely project feelings and thoughts about their loss.
• They need to be allowed to go to a safe place when overwhelming feelings arise. In a school setting, children should be allowed to remove themselves without explaining why in front of classmates.
• They need to have access to their parent via the telephone, or be allowed to visit the school nurse for reassurance that they and their family are ok. Such reality checks counteract children's preoccupation with their own health and the health of their loved ones.
• They need physical ways, like a memory book, to re-experience and share memories in a safe way.

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